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In 2005, when Terri Shiavo was making headlines for the last time, nearly every American contemplated end-of-life matters. We may even have voiced our wishes to our loved ones. And then, says R.N. and eldercare specialist Stella Mora Henry, "We quickly put it under the carpet again." Henry, founder of the Vista Del Sol long-term care facility in Culver City, California, and author of The Eldercare Handbook, says Americans are in such denial about end-of-life issues that it's creating a crisis for baby boomers, as they suddenly face caring for aging or ill parents or relatives.

The boomer doesn't even want to look at old age, and if you're watching your parents age, it brings up your own mortality," she says. "I want to wake up the troops: We have to plan for aging, we need to plan for death and dying, for the sake of our parents and our children. We are pioneers. No huge group of humans ever lived this long. We are all going to be caregivers, and we're all going to be cared for."

Tough Conversations

Henry says every family needs to hold a meeting to make end-of-life decisions before the time comes. "A meeting gets it out in the open. Where do you want to die? Who do you want to take care of you?" she says. "You need to know who's on the team, because not everyone in the family is going to be involved."

Family meetings also reinforce wishes, which is critical, because our emotional response to crisis can be to oppose those best-laid plans. "This is what I do for a living," says Henry. "And yet, when I got the phone call that my mom wasn't doing well, and they asked if they should send her to the hospital, I freaked. She said, ‘I don't want to live with tubes,' and I knew it loud and clear, but I thought, ‘Should I try and save her?' I had to force myself to honor her wishes. Sometimes it's easier to do that when others can support you."

It will take several smaller conversations to lead to a productive meeting, says Henry, and those intimate talks are the hardest to initiate. Look to the news or other families for ice-breaking examples, such as, "Susie's mom just had a stroke. How would we handle that if it happened to us?" Have the conversation when everyone's healthy, because it'll be less emotional. "If you wait for the crisis, it's much harder," advises Henry.

A Time to Listen

Henry recalls a man who told her, "Listen. I'm ready to talk to my kids, and they aren't ready to talk to me." "A parent may say, ‘I won't be here in a few years,' and the child's automatic response is, ‘Of course you'll be here.' And that stops the conversation," says Henry.

It is a natural impulse to offer comfort in the face of the unknown, but greater peace of mind comes from knowing things will be taken care of according to our wishes. So listen to the wishes of those close to you, and make them hear yours. "This is hard, but it is doable," says Henry, "And it's the most loving thing we can do for our families."

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