July 25, 2008

Discovering Dad

By Laurel Mills

Lifestyles Editor

Discovering_Dad

Take time to consider what you know about your parents or what your own children really know about you.

As Father's Day approaches, it's time to start asking the questions that will let you peek at the man behind the curfew-setting, money-saving curtain.

Between long work hours, commitments to the community and family obligations, dads can be pretty busy. Grown children often feel that they didn't spend enough time with their fathers, and even children who were lucky enough to pass hours of quality time with Dad might still feel like they don't really know the man who raised them.

For grown children still looking to build stronger relationships, or any relationship at all, for that matter, with his or her parent, Questions to Bring You Closer to Dad (Adams Media) by Stuart Gustafson and Robyn Freedman Spizman might be the push you need to try for more.

Stuart Gustafson lost his own father when he was still in high school, so he not only understands the great desire to know more about where one comes from but also the many roadblocks that can leave us feeling distant from loved ones. And, society's still rigid expectations of men and the sharing of emotion make father-son relationships some of the most difficult of all.

"It's difficult talking with dads. [The relationship between fathers and sons] really is the hardest relationship ... Men will say things to other men that they won't say to their own families," Gustafson says.

With questions from "Was there anything you were given as a child that became one of your prized possessions?" and "What can you share about your first date?" to "Is there anything you have done in your life that you regret?," the book runs the gamut in terms of subject matter and topics for mutual discovery.

There is even advice for how to best approach Dad based on his central characteristic, personality type and habits as well as ways for those with deceased parents to go about learning more about their fathers.

But, as Gustafson is quick to point out, it is not the questions and answers themselves that are as important as opening the door to continued conversation and discussion within families. He even refers to his own work as "a crutch."

Questions to Bring You Closer to Dad is available for $9.95 at your local bookseller.

"The real focus of the book is to get people talking," Gustafson says. "[Are you] asking to get an answer or is it the opening of a dialogue ... The point isn't just to answer the questions, but what you're learning from that."

Gustafson is not only a son who wished that he had had more time with his father, but also the father to two grown boys, now in their 20s. As such, he also offers advice to other fathers who might not yet be comfortable with the idea of completely opening up to their own sons and/or daughters.

"If it's important enough for a child, if the child is willing to talk with the parent, the parent better find a way to immediately open up," Gustafson says. "Put everything else aside, listen ... and talk with them. No lectures."

Of course, all of this effort toward helping others preserve their own family legacies made Gustafson more aware of the lessons he leaves behind for his own sons. When asked about what he hopes his children have learned from him, Gustafson's answers include "absolute honesty" and "helping people."

"You do good things just because it is the right thing to do. There are people who need help. Just be a good person," Gustafson says. "It sounds so trite, but it does just boil down to that."

Questions to Bring You Closer to Dad and Stuart Gustafson can already count at least one fan in PGA Golf champion Davis Love, III. He sent Gustafson a note that read, "I hope my son gets as much from this book as me. It will be a fun project."

Gustafson hopes most of his readers will enjoy the project of starting such important conversations. Having experienced early tragedy in his own life, he is also ever aware of the importance of such an undertaking.

"Capture the legacy today before it's too late tomorrow," he adds.


Here at ReZoom, we're exploring ways to leave behind a positive legacy. Click here to see the rest of our stories.
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