July 23, 2008
The Big Sit-Down
A discussion of dating and relationships is one of the more important talks you'll have with your child.
Talking to Your Teen
Mike Domitrz, author of Help! My Teen is Dating and founder of The Date Safe Project, knows all about these fears and concerns. In addition to being a father of four, Domitrz travels the country talking to teens and their parents about the difficulties associated with relationships and intimacy.
"The number one obstacle [when your child wants to date] is understanding how to make a connection with your teenager so that they can listen to you and absorb what you're saying," Domitrz says.
"So many parents think that oral sex or sexually transmitted diseases are the biggest obstacles in dating, but if you can make that connection, then you can tackle all of those other issues."
While parents might feel overwhelmed as to how to approach their teenager about dating in a cultural landscape that seems so different from the one they grew up in, Domitrz reminds parents to focus on commonality rather than difference.
"The sexual culture that we're living in today is more exposed, however making decisions on individual dates has been the same for centuries. And decision-making is what parents need to focus on."
Big Questions
What stands out most about Domitrz's approach to teenagers and dating is that he recommends that teenagers should ask for permission before all levels of intimacy – beginning with the first kiss. Domitrz insists that it is important for either partner to ask "May I kiss you?" or "Are you comfortable?" before attempting physical contact so that young men and women have choices when it comes to their bodies and their feelings.
"Our whole mission is to teach consent and respect. Parents should be concerned about how to teach a child the idea of having their boundaries respected and respecting their partner's boundaries."
According to Domitrz, asking for permission also shifts the dynamics of dating from "trade behavior" (I buy dinner so that she'll put out later, etc.) to situations that encourage two people to learn more about one another.
"This is about how to figure out that process of two people getting to know each other instead of a game. We don't want 'this is what I do to get a boy to like me,' 'this is what I do to get some.' It should be about, 'I just want to be myself and get to know someone.'"
Some critics are wary of such an approach to dating, apprehensive that encouraging children to ask for consent in matters of intimacy also encourages promiscuity."Many parents fear that if I teach my children about consent and boundaries, I am teaching them to be more sexual – when actually the reverse is true." Domitrz says. "The more information you give your child, the more power you give them in making decisions."
Asking for consent actually "forces us to slow down and not engage in those kinds of behaviors," Domitrz says. (Think about it – at sixteen, how much time would you have had to take to get to know someone before feeling brave enough to ask for a kiss, let alone more?)
And, once your child is dating and involved with someone, there is a simple way to see if the relationship is on the right track.
Help! My Teen is Dating is available through Amazon or www.helpmyteenisdating.com.
Practice What You Preach
Also according to Domitrz, parents can't just have these conversations and expect their advice to be enough. Parents must also model these behaviors for their children. For most couples in long-term relationships, change isn't easy (dirty socks and dishes, anyone?), but these changes are necessary if you want to foster healthy relationships for your children based on these principles.
"[When parents don't ask for consent in front of their children, and their children ask them about it] they make the fatal flaw of saying 'that's because we're married - we don't' have to' which teaches the child that 'if I like my partner enough, I don't need to ask them and they don't need to ask me.'"
Without even realizing it, parents then undo all the lessons they have tried to instill in their teenagers with the dialogue that they've just opened up. So, while it might seem silly at first, parents should start asking their partners for a kiss as well – it won't be too late.
"You can start when the teenager is 12," Domitrz says. "Start tonight."
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